You’re ready to have the “money talk”

Whitney Reagan and Daniel Sharkey from Mariner sit down to tackle the delicate but essential topic of the “money talk” in relationships, demystifying when and how to approach these conversations to build a stronger partnership. They discuss why establishing transparency—whether you keep your finances separate or fully combined—is a critical step in aligning your goals and reducing the stress that often surrounds joint expenses.

Learn why understanding your partner’s unique “money scripts” and financial history can help bridge gaps in communication and prevent future friction. Discover practical strategies for maintaining individual autonomy while working toward a common financial future and explore why having an advisor act as a neutral mediator can turn these potentially awkward conversations into productive steps toward a unified, long-term plan.

Transcript

Whitney Reagan: Welcome, welcome. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Your Life Simplified. I’m joined by my partner in crime, Dan Sharkey. I’m Whitney Reagan, and we’re here today to talk about when you’re ready for that money talk with your partner, spouse or significant other. When is it the right time to have the quote unquote money talk, and what are some things that maybe could trigger the need for it? I mean, I guess probably what I would say, Dan, and I’ll let you give your two cents, but you probably don’t want to get to the point where you have a ton of credit card debt and you haven’t really mentioned it.

And then something happens to where you don’t have any money to pay for it. But I think one thing that maybe is a good theme around it is I think transparency is always a good—I’m a big believer in transparency. You don’t have to be fully open about everything if you keep finances separate. But I think transparency is always good, just so that you’re on the same page and you’re at least kind of talking through the finances.

Daniel Sharkey: I love the fact that I could play amateur psychologist now, this is so fun. But let’s talk about kind of two major elements to this question that I think are really, really important. The first is having kind of the same kind of financial goals, which I think ties into this talk. We’ll talk about that a little bit later.

But to your point about when do we begin to have this conversation with your significant other, whoever that may be. I think the first step has to be—to your point about transparency—as soon as you begin to have some semblance of joint expenses. Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to be married. It doesn’t mean you have to be living together.

But as soon as you begin to adopt similar habits as it relates to money, as soon as money begins to cross those lines from one partner to the other. That’s the time, I believe, when you begin to have a very candid conversation about what finances look like, how people feel about them individually and what the plan would be like as partners to tackle some of those joint expenses.

And I’ll tell you, there’s not a one size fits all model. And I can certainly tell you how we run things in my own household. I don’t even know if I know how to access my checking account. So, you can probably tell by that comment where our division of power lies. But it’s a very important conversation to have and one that needs to be made proactively.

To your point about transparency, I think that’s spot on. And that’s the first step to really establishing what those what those boundaries are.

Whitney: Yes, and I think finances can be separate. I have a lot of clients that do keep their finances separate in a lot of different respects, but I also think when you start talking about money in a way of—I talk about this a lot with my clients and forgive me if it’s cheesy or boring, but it’s more around your relationship with money and something that I call money scripts and how you grew up in what your relationship was with money and how it kind of drove and motivated your actions.

I think that’s really important to talk through and also just recognize and have that self-awareness and then being able to have that conversation with your partner, it makes it really meaningful to start understanding why you might be a big spender, or why you might be really frugal and you kind of start to understand each other when you communicate about those things and what’s driving your behavior.

Dan: And it also has a dramatic impact on how you’re going to treat this going forward. I mean, there’s no successful partnership, whether it’s in business or in your personal life, that can operate in the dark in that matter.

And I think that speaks too precisely what we were talking about earlier, about what does this hold for the future? People are naturally going to have different levels of constraint. They’re naturally going to have different levels of relationship with money. People are going to make more. They’re going to make less.

They’re going to spend more. They’re going to save less. Some people are spontaneous. I mean, the list of differences goes on and on. But if you look at the data, a lot of what results in partnerships dissolving is around finances. But the sooner that you can get out ahead of that to establish what those parameters are, it is critically important.

And to your point about the kind of different strokes for different folks, my household is completely blended. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. Going back to the dating days when we had a joint credit card. I just find it personally to be much easier to have where we’re building a life together, everything is one big pot.

And that’s not necessarily uncommon, but it’s also not the only way to do it. But you have to have the conversation about what is important to you, and also the harsh reality that you are going to have joint expenses, particularly if you if you have a family, a shared residence.

So, making sure that everyone is aware as to what their level of contribution is, if your finances are separate, is critically important.

Whitney: Really quick. Just the other thing—sorry to interrupt, but if you have separate finances, there’s also benefits too. When you start talking about it, it’s like the beginning of your journey of trying to figure out and evaluate, okay, can we save money on taxes by some joint expenses in some way?

But also, I just had a client that they’re going to keep their finances separate, but we are doing an evaluation of their PNC insurance, and it makes a lot more sense for them to do it jointly because it’s better pricing, and it’s better coverage.

Dan: Right. And you can still maintain your autonomy over your finances and over your expenses, while still recognizing that things are naturally going to be joined. So, to your point, there’s no reason that those two things can’t coexist. An advisor, particularly at Mariner, when we have such depth in handling these types of conversations, can advise you on how to do that.

Some level of joint ownership, whether it be, you know, everyone kicks in a thousand bucks to a joint account every month or some other mechanism that works for you and for your family. That is a way, I think, to have the best of both worlds. You don’t necessarily need your spouse to approve or your partner to approve of what you’re spending your own money on.

You can maintain that autonomy and the ability to make your decisions. You can have that independence that if you feel like that’s important to your self-worth, that’s also a very, very critical factor. But you’re never going to figure those things out unless you talk about them. And I think, again, the ability to have that very honest conversation as early as you can, I might add.

The topic of this show is when to have the conversation. I would maintain—as I said earlier—as soon as you begin to have joint expenses, you need to begin to wade into those waters. Let me just give you a very common example. If you have one spouse who makes significantly more money than the other, their expectation about what type of car to buy, what type of house to eventually own, where you want to go on vacation.

All of those things are going to manifest themselves at some point in the future. And if you’re on completely different wavelengths as to what your expectations are or what you are comfortable with, then beginning to have that conversation as early as possible will allow both of you to either come to grips with what the other is expecting and be comfortable with it or to develop an alternative path.

The more you keep that closet door closed, the worse the outcome is going to be. And I think that’s almost universal across any financial decision that you’re ever going to make.

Whitney: Completely agree. I have one anecdote just as an example or I guess, a lived experience. When my husband and I were buying a house together—well, yeah, it was our first house together because the first house we lived in together, I bought. And then when we were married and pregnant with our first kid, we moved into the house, and there were significant foundation problems, and we had to spend upwards of over $50,000 just to fix the foundation after buying a new house.

And we had our old house because we hadn’t sold the old house. So, we were floating two houses and the utilities, the bills and everything. And we just had our first kid. And I was, I think, probably mom brain and I had always been single and made more than I spent and never had to really budget. So, it wasn’t really in my DNA at the time.

And I know that my husband was really stressed out about it, but I didn’t know it until afterwards because something came between us to where we were not able to talk about it. And at one point it was finally like, I think we were arguing about something. And he finally just said how stressed out he is about the finances because it felt like we were underwater because we had so many expenses, and that was a huge relief and weight off his shoulders and a weight off my shoulders for him to actually be vulnerable and then as to actually have the conversation around, okay, what kind of budget do we need?

Because it was just not talking about it. And I was spending normally, and he was trying to budget but not telling me. So, there was no communication. But there was also no like decision around it either because we weren’t talking about it. And I don’t want people to fall into that like we did.

Dan: 100%. And that example can be utilized across everyone in the wealth spectrum. And it can also be utilized into any of the different scenarios, whether it’s a second home, your primary home, your first house like you were talking about, that’s going to come up at some point in the future and the beginning to have the conversation without judgment about how we’re going to handle these things and who’s going to be responsible for what.

And what we’re all ultimately comfortable with is one that you have to have. If you think you can get through that without having that conversation, I’m here to tell you that from our experience, you’d be incorrect. And the other thing that’s, I think really important is you can lean on your financial plan to help ease some of those burdens, because what may feel like a huge expense in singular vision, meaning we have to fix this foundation on the house that we have, if viewed in the context of over the next 20 years, it may seem like a blip on the radar.

So, the more that you can either have the conversation with each other but also lean on an advisor to help walk you through those coaching sessions to help you understand the bigger picture, to help extend your vision into the future about yes, this might be expensive today, but over the long term it really doesn’t have a huge impact.

All of those things can help produce a better partnership. And I think if you don’t have those conversations, you’re really setting yourself up for a very painful session in the future. And that goes for other things that we’ve talked about before on the show, such as explaining to your beneficiaries why your estate plan is set up this way.

All of those conversations, talking about leaving a legacy and what you hope they will do with the money in the future. Those are all critically important conversations, and the sooner that you can kind of wade into those waters, you’ll begin to realize it’s probably not nearly as awkward as you think.

It’s likely questions that you and your spouse or partner have never actually spoken about, and you’ll find a greater appreciation for where they’re coming from and how you could commingle, at least to some degree. And let me just say this before we say goodbye, having a little bit of a side account, slush fund, whatever you want to call it personally, in which you want to go buy a leather jacket, cowboy hat, pair of boots, new golf clubs in which—

Whitney: Are you a cowboy? That was a lot of different Western things.

Dan: I mean, I want to be, but I live in Boston, so that’s kind of problematic. Can’t be showing up in Cambridge with a cowboy hat on. That doesn’t usually go all too well.

Whitney: I’m going to buy you a fringe coat.

Dan: Oh, yeah. Exactly. But you can do those things and have those splurges without jeopardizing the agreed upon path that you and your partner have come up with. And that is a very healthy thing that I would suggest for those that have a little bit of apprehension about totally combining finances.

That is such a great cheat because it lets the pressure valve out on some of those impulse purchases that we’re all guilty of.

Whitney: Yes. Excellent points, Dan. And I think if people out there are still nervous to have the conversation, something that we are really good at is, and I hate to say mediator, but we’re really good at being a soundboard and kind of being that neutral party to help you and your spouse or you and your partner have those conversations.

I do it a lot with clients to help them talk about money openly within the office so that they feel comfortable. And I’m asking the questions, so they don’t have to ask the questions. So we can be that neutral partner to help them through it.

Dan: That’s where—don’t make this conversation about, well we have to figure this out before we talk to an advisor. No. View your advisor as playing that critical role in having the conversation to begin with. Because that way, to your point, you have a third party, someone who’s neutral, who really doesn’t care what you spend your money on as long as you’re tracking to what you said was important.

And you can change the dynamic of not pointing the finger at one another but pointing it at me, and I’ll be the bad guy. Because that makes it a lot easier, and it creates a unified front that you can get behind one action plan as a unit, as opposed to operating entirely as individuals.

Whitney: That was fantastic. Don’t be afraid to talk about money with your partner.

Dan: Critically important.

Whitney: Critically important. Thanks for listening as always. And if you liked what you heard, please like, subscribe or follow wherever you listen to your podcast and we’ll see you again next time.

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